I’ve decided that God had a plan for us. I don’t know what it is but I know there has to be reason behind this connection. The universe pulls me to you through thick and thin. I’ve tried to stop so many times. Even when I’m with you, I know it’s not right. It’s not love. It’s not healthy. But I can’t get rid of this feeling. I’ve spent a huge chunk of my life trying to make you love me. From the day I saw you till this very moment. But I don’t want to anymore. I need someone else. Someone better. You will never be the one for me. Never. I just need to find out why I feel this way. What is the purpose.
This is not my fault. I may be a little crazy at times. I may pick fights and be over dramatic. But that’s because I’m protectin myself. They say that you don’t chose who you love and god damn you don’t. I love you. But you treat me like shit and you end up making me apologize for it. A stranger has shown me more courteously and respect and treated me more like a fucking human being then you ever have. You make me feel bad for my beliefs and my feelings. You say you want to marry me but you don’t even accept me as I am. You like what I am before you tear into me. It makes no sense. Yet I still love you. I still come back. And that’s what’s so fucked up about it. I am a great person with a great life and you tear down my walls faster than I can build them up. Only to leave me buried in rubble trying to breathe. And you, standing on top, with that devil grin and that stupid laugh.
While sitting on my newly redone bathroom floors, naked and tired, I began to cry. A simple question crossed my mind: does it ever go away? The sadness. The anxiety. The exhaustion. I’ve come a long way from where I was and I am happy about it, don’t get me wrong…but there is still this feeling, or darkness, that lingers over me. This darkness holds all of my tears, fears, anxiety. I can remember the days I never had this feeling. But on a sunny day in August, it came to me. Now, my life is different, but there is still lingers. It follows me everywhere I go and seems to make itself more present at night when I am most vulnerable…I try to imagine my life one day, with children, a steady job, a nice home, and a husband: real life. Will these things make me happy? Or will these things only make the darkness grow? Can I accept the change? Will it ever go away?
There are people in your life who aren’t meant to be there. They hurt you and don’t show the care that you deserve. But you care enough for them to see it through, to spend your day thinkin of them and trying to care about them. Which is crap because that’s the kind of person who Is great. But you need to stop being the one who cares more. Yes, you can care. But maybe we should just care equally as them.
He’s moved on.
The love game has faded.
You’re just his friend.
Don’t make the effort.
You can do this.
You have love in your heart, so love yourself.
I wanna talk to you, but what would I even say? I know it would all be bullshit. I just want to feel you again. I met someone great who makes me feel great. It’s so normal and what I need. But he doesn’t make my heart stop and hurt. I know I shouldn’t want that. But God, I love that roller coaster love.
I miss you right now. Maybe because I feel alone and sad. I don’t want to fight or even talk about love. I just want to feel your presence. I just want to know that you’re there and we’re okay…maybe I’ll wait till your birthday to talk to you. But then again, you always forgot mine.