While sitting on my newly redone bathroom floors, naked and tired, I began to cry. A simple question crossed my mind: does it ever go away? The sadness. The anxiety. The exhaustion. I’ve come a long way from where I was and I am happy about it, don’t get me wrong…but there is still this feeling, or darkness, that lingers over me. This darkness holds all of my tears, fears, anxiety. I can remember the days I never had this feeling. But on a sunny day in August, it came to me. Now, my life is different, but there is still lingers. It follows me everywhere I go and seems to make itself more present at night when I am most vulnerable…I try to imagine my life one day, with children, a steady job, a nice home, and a husband: real life. Will these things make me happy? Or will these things only make the darkness grow? Can I accept the change? Will it ever go away?
There are people in your life who aren’t meant to be there. They hurt you and don’t show the care that you deserve. But you care enough for them to see it through, to spend your day thinkin of them and trying to care about them. Which is crap because that’s the kind of person who Is great. But you need to stop being the one who cares more. Yes, you can care. But maybe we should just care equally as them.
He’s moved on.
The love game has faded.
You’re just his friend.
Don’t make the effort.
You can do this.
You have love in your heart, so love yourself.
I wanna talk to you, but what would I even say? I know it would all be bullshit. I just want to feel you again. I met someone great who makes me feel great. It’s so normal and what I need. But he doesn’t make my heart stop and hurt. I know I shouldn’t want that. But God, I love that roller coaster love.
I miss you right now. Maybe because I feel alone and sad. I don’t want to fight or even talk about love. I just want to feel your presence. I just want to know that you’re there and we’re okay…maybe I’ll wait till your birthday to talk to you. But then again, you always forgot mine.
I’ve wasted you entirely. I’ve called you when I’m sad and need you there. I’ve called you when I was happy and wanted a friend. I called you when I was insecure and needed love. But every time you let me down. I have no use for calling anymore. No fucking use. I’ve actually hit my point. I begged you to stay and keep me. But you chose her. You coulda been a friend, anything but stranger silence. But you didn’t. You got annoyed and stopped. You let me go and you don’t even know it. And I hate you for that. I really fucking hate you. I can’t even cry about it anymore. I’ve wasted all my feelings. I don’t want you back. I don’t want you to ruin my future. Though part of me does want that rush, it’s the rush I want. Not you.
I let you go again. I’m sorry I do this so many times. I don’t know if this will be the last time or another for the books. I kinda miss you. Or I’m just hurt about the idea of you not there, going so long without talking. But I’ve actually been pretty good. Maybe it’s because I’m distracted, but I think I’ll be okay.