I miss you right now. Maybe because I feel alone and sad. I don’t want to fight or even talk about love. I just want to feel your presence. I just want to know that you’re there and we’re okay…maybe I’ll wait till your birthday to talk to you. But then again, you always forgot mine.
I’ve wasted you entirely. I’ve called you when I’m sad and need you there. I’ve called you when I was happy and wanted a friend. I called you when I was insecure and needed love. But every time you let me down. I have no use for calling anymore. No fucking use. I’ve actually hit my point. I begged you to stay and keep me. But you chose her. You coulda been a friend, anything but stranger silence. But you didn’t. You got annoyed and stopped. You let me go and you don’t even know it. And I hate you for that. I really fucking hate you. I can’t even cry about it anymore. I’ve wasted all my feelings. I don’t want you back. I don’t want you to ruin my future. Though part of me does want that rush, it’s the rush I want. Not you.
I let you go again. I’m sorry I do this so many times. I don’t know if this will be the last time or another for the books. I kinda miss you. Or I’m just hurt about the idea of you not there, going so long without talking. But I’ve actually been pretty good. Maybe it’s because I’m distracted, but I think I’ll be okay.
I don’t know what love is.
What a shame it is; only being able to appreciate something to the fullest, after it’s over. To look back on something that at one point you thought was horrible, only to realize you’d give anything to go back…. If I only knew those were the glory days.
Life is like a swing. When you’re little, you have protection all around you to keep you safe and people pushing you to succeed. Then you grow up and you can do it by yourself. As time moves on, you can get higher and higher and you feel like you can fly into
the clouds. But then, gravity finds a way to pull you back down again and you have to keep pumping to go back up and you just hold on with all your might so you don’t fall, partly wishing you could just let go to see if you could finally fly.
This is what closure feels like. It’s like you shut the door on the person. The relationship. You hear the click and you walk away. Though, it’s not nearly soon enough to completely walk away. I’m gonna need some strength not to walk right back. But, it’s different. Like I’m free. I needed this. I love this. I’m doing this because I love myself.
I love myself.